Rosie is a Mummy’s girl at the moment. When she is being held by someone else, when she should be playing with her toys, her eyes are tracking my every move. She hears my voice and she contorts her body so she can see me. When she is being held by someone else, she is ok for a few minutes until she realises that it is not me, then she squirms and grizzles to come back to me, and if they don’t let go, she will screw up her face and cry.
It means I don’t get much of a break and you know what? secretly I love it! I love her sweet cuddles and her hands wrapped around my fingers. I love the way she looks at me and her whole face lights up. I don’t care that people are disappointed she will not let them hold her. I hug her even tighter.
But I do know that I have to let go, even if it is just a little. So I am trying to share. I convince myself I have to. That I am probably just being over cautious, too clingy, too touchy about others because I lost Charlotte. I don’t know what it is to mother without that knowledge that it ca be taken away by the simplest mistake or for no reason at all.
As Rosie was being given back to me (as she was grizzling and clearly wanted to get to me), another visitor (V) jumped between us and grabbed Rosie because she wanted a hold.
In my head I was going ‘WTF! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH give me my baby!!!!’
In reality, I took a big breath, smiled and sat back, my eyes fixed on Rosie.
As I relaxed and kept talking, Rosie could hear me and each time she tried to look at me, V would turn her around so she couldn’t. Rosie was becoming rather insistent, so V’s solution – ‘lets take you outside so you can’t hear Mummy’ – and off she goes, leaving me sitting there mid conversation.
‘WTF! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH, give me my baby!!!!’
I breathe again and try not to run after her. But then I think, I have just bathed Rosie, she is in her PJs, I told V it was Rosie’s quiet time before bed, and now she is being over active. Am I being unreasonable? When I go outside, there is Rosie in the cat hold of V’s 7 year old daughter (you know the way kids hold cats under the front legs and their back legs dangling) and she is swinging her side to side over concrete.
‘WTF! AAAAAAHHHHHHH, give me my baby back!’
I breathe and sit down, eyes fixed on Rosie, and smiling with gritted teeth. As I watched Rosie slipping out of her hands and I envision split heads on concrete, and listen to V telling me how her 7 year old babysat a 1 year old over the holidays, so if you need a babysitter………Rosie is looking at me with pleading eyes as her arms are being stretched over her head and she slides further down,
‘WTF! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH, give me my baby back!’
Finally I could not stand it any longer and grabbed Rosie under some false pretence and scurried away into the house mumbling nasty hobittses, my precious, my only…….
I don’t know if I am being over protective because of what we have been through, or if all Mother’s feel this way.