I did ok leading up to Charlotte’s birthday. I kept busy and focused on doing positive things. I planned ways to honour her on her birthday with hubby. I had an ultrasound, Dr’s appointment and spoke with the midwife about the birth plan on the friday before the weekend so I would feel all is well with Bonsai and reduce my anxiety.
The weekend was lovely, but this week I’m a bit of a mess. My sleep has been broken and full of fears and nightmares. I get to about lunch time and just need to curl up and sleep the rest of the afternoon.
To begin with it is the same gestation week I lost Charlotte and Bonsai has changed positions. I can’t feel the same reassuring movement as I did over the weekend. I have had a check up with the Dr and all is good, but I have to constantly tell my brain this. I’m slipping into thinking “I wont survive this if I loose Bonsai too”, the thought of it frightens me. I know people have suffered greater loses in their life and yet still manage to carry on – right now I don’t know how they do it.
The birth plan discussion didn’t go as well as I thought it would. There was some good and reassuring points but when it came to the things I have considered especially important to me, I found hospital policy and procedure will interfere. At night I dream of backing myself into a corner of the floor in the hospital so no one can get to me or yelling at people that they wont take my baby away. I know that much of this comes from my own fears, and I am working on that, but I also have lost some confidence in my hospital to leave us alone if assistance is not required.
Yesterday I sat and looked through Charlotte’s photos. It wasn’t enough. I wanted more. More photos, more time, I wanted to bath her and dress her, to hold her again. Then I remembered I had some photos on my phone. Theses are the photos we took moments after her birth, when it was just me and hubby. They are not edited. You can see the vernix on her, the bruising, the missing skin. They are raw. She looks so tiny. Some times I still can’t believe this happened. I can’t believe it happens to anyone.
Mostly I am ok. I find the positive, I remember her with a smile, I use what I have been through to be a better person. But this week it is hard. She was just a little baby and it’s not fair she didn’t get to stay with us.
Jul 06, 2012 @ 17:25:45
I know exactly what you mean about pictures not being enough. I look at Caitlyn’s pictures over and over again and sometimes it just isn’t enough. Even our videos from right after she was born and crying aren’t enough at times. I always pray that I would dream about her, but I never have. At times, I don’t think even that would be enough. You are exactly right, I want to hold her and bathe her and kiss her cheeks. Hope the weekend perks up for you!
Jul 06, 2012 @ 21:50:14
Thanks
just had to get up and outta the house, enjoy the sunshine and focus on some good – and also realise there will always be days like this and that’s ok, we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves to be ok all the time.
Jul 08, 2012 @ 00:26:47
Pictures will never be enough. I wish we had had more time. I wish someone had suggested to us that we bathe her, and dress her in clothes of our choosing. It never occurred to us in our grief-stricken state that we could do that.
I am so glad that I decided to have her cremated and keep her remains with us. We got a huggable urn – it’s a stuffed bear with a pocket for the silver locket containing her ashes – and I am so glad to be able to hold her when I need to feel close to her.
Jul 08, 2012 @ 00:38:42
I regret not bathing her and dressing her myself, but your right at the time you just don’t think to say that is what you want. I think that is why I have such high anxiety about someone ‘taking my baby’ this time.
The stuffed bear sounds adorable