Edited and revised

My blog has been edited and revised.

Why? because what seems like forever ago I shared a link that I though might help someone, not knowing later on it would not help me.

Early on in my blog I mentioned a service provider. Positively I must add. I thought sharing the link to them might help others find them. Later on however I did not have a positive experience with them. I blogged about it. I never mentioned personal names, nor did I name or tag the service provider in the posts where I talked about my negative experience. In fact I clearly remember not doing this as it was never my intention to name and shame, I was merely sharing my experience in a situation. I had forgotten about the original post with the links.

But as things go, turns out people read my blog. People make connections, realise who/what I am talking about and then go and tell others I am saying offensive things.

It was never my intention for my blog to be linked to any person, organisation or service provider, and I do apologise if that is what happened.

My story still remains though. It is what happened, the good and the bad. I have tried my best to remove any descriptors that link me to anyone, group, organisation, service provider, doctor, OB, midwife, family, friend or anything else I may have discussed or give a name to any of them either. I did take out Charlotte’s name, but then I put it back in. One of the most sacred things for a bereaved mother is her child’s name, so I won’t have that taken. I have removed any links to other organisations, groups, etc. I have set certain posts to private. What I can’t change is others sharing this blog and telling people who wrote it. If you share my blog and identify me as the author you should ask yourself what is your true intent?

This is my story, it is about me. My first year of grief, trying to get through a subsequent pregnancy and the struggle of being a not first time Mum. It’s not always a pretty picture with a profound quote. It’s messy and disjointed. It’s sad and angry. It’s hopeful and funny. It’s boring and pointless. It’s my heart and fears laid bare. It’s a brave face. It’s me trying to make sense of what I was feeling. It is not, nor was ever meant to be about anyone else.

Truth be told, the post with the most hits is the one I did about a green vegetable juice I made and the most common search terms are ‘effects of mean green juice’ because yes that juice gives you gas. Truly it is. I randomly clicked through some day stats, consistently green juice is of interest.

This year I have had a whopping 13 visitors to my blog. 11 of which came from a Pinterest link to the mean green juice.  1 from a search for stillbirth and 1 from a search for the concerned in question and this person did not go further than the home page. This means only one person has done a simple search that was of concern. I did check my stats as I was concerned. Turns out my reach in influencing the reputation of anyone is not very far and I have some readers who know me that are just trying to stir up trouble.

Would I write my story differently now? Yes and no. The heat is taken out of many situations. Reading back through my blog some things I forgot about, others I am surprised at how angry I was, sometimes I’m embarrassed and then others it is still upsetting to read about. I don’t have the anger anymore, but this is the story as it happened, it’s not a calm reflection looking back.

From time to time, I get an email from someone who shares their story and thanks me for being honest about how I felt through that time.  So my blog stays.

Lesson learned though, it is a small world after all.

A Little Too Posessive?

R is a Mummy’s girl at the moment. When she is being held by someone else, when she should be playing with her toys, her eyes are tracking my every move. She hears my voice and she contorts her body so she can see me. When she is being held by someone else, she is ok for a few minutes until she realises that it is not me, then she squirms and grizzles to come back to me, and if they don’t let go, she will screw up her face and cry.

It means I don’t get much of a break and you know what? secretly I love it! I love her sweet cuddles and her hands wrapped around my fingers. I love the way she looks at me and her whole face lights up. I don’t care that people are disappointed she will not let them hold her. I hug her even tighter.

But I do know that I have to let go, even if it is just a little. So I am trying to share. I convince myself I have to. That I am probably just being over cautious, too clingy, too touchy about others because I lost C. I don’t know what it is to mother without that knowledge that it ca be taken away by the simplest mistake or for no reason at all.

As R was being given back to me (as she was grizzling and clearly wanted to get to me), another visitor (V) jumped between us and grabbed R because she wanted a hold.

In my head I was going ‘WTF! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH give me my baby!!!!’

In reality, I took a big breath, smiled and sat back, my eyes fixed on R.

As I relaxed and kept talking, R could hear me and each time she tried to look at me, V would turn her around so she couldn’t. R was becoming rather insistent, so V’s solution – ‘lets take you outside so you can’t hear Mummy’ – and off she goes, leaving me sitting there mid conversation.

‘WTF! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH, give me my baby!!!!’

I breathe again and try not to run after her. But then I think, I have just bathed R, she is in her PJs, I told V it was R’s quiet time before bed, and now she is being over active. Am I being unreasonable? When I go outside, there is R in the cat hold of V’s 7 year old daughter (you know the way kids hold cats under the front legs and their back legs dangling) and she is swinging her side to side over concrete.

‘WTF! AAAAAAHHHHHHH, give me my baby back!’

I breathe and sit down, eyes fixed on R, and smiling with gritted teeth. As I watched R slipping out of her hands and I envision split heads on concrete, and listen to V telling me how her 7 year old babysat a 1 year old over the holidays, so if you need a babysitter………R is looking at me with pleading eyes as her arms are being stretched over her head and she slides further down,

‘WTF! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH, give me my baby back!’

Finally I could not stand it any longer and grabbed R under some false pretence and scurried away into the house mumbling nasty hobittses, my precious, my only…….

I don’t know if I am being over protective because of what we have been through, or if all Mother’s feel this way.

Liebster Award

Thanks to Sara over at A Bend in the Road for the nomination :)

the-liebster-award

Here are the rules of the Liebster Award:

1. List 11 things about yourself.
2. Answer the 11 questions that the tagger has set for you, plus write another 11 questions for your nominees.
3. Nominate 11 bloggers (or more or less).
4. No tag backs.
5. The bloggers have to have less than 200 followers.
6. Go inform them that you nominated them for the award.

Number 1: 11 Things about myself

1. I can bend my thumb backwards at the knuckle – apparently it is a sign of creativity oooh errrrrr

2. When I’m happy my eyes go  green, when I am mad they go brown. Someone once thought they were paying me a compliment when they said my eyes were the colour of seaweed.

3. I can, and have done, eat a whole 2 litre tub of ice cream in one sitting – nom nom

4. If you ask me for my opinion, I will give it to you. I wont tell you what you want to hear, I will tell you what I think. Be warned.

5. If I could wear the same thing everyday, I would. I hate clothes shopping. Clothes are purely functional for me.

6. I have no patience for stupid, or should I say people who choose stupid.

7. I have become one of those parents who go on and on about their child. I’m sorry but she is the prettiest girl in the world and is so developmentally advanced she is bound to be a genius.

8. I speak sarcasm fluently.

9. I am notorious for starting a project, making a mess then getting distracted and starting something else.

10. Every day I have a moment where I hold R and cry that I never felt C’s life force in my arms like this.

11. I don’t believe in one true love, but I do believe in soul mates. I have met 4 of mine and Hubby is my favourite.

Number 2: Questions from Sara

1. If you could have any kind of pet, what would you have?       A meerkat – awesomeness in a cute package.

2. What was your first car?    HQ LS Monaro. The LS stood for Limited Sports, but I called it the Lyndell Special. I am still in love with this car.
3. Do you still live in the city you were born in?      Hell no! Where I was born is not a nice place now and it is embarrassing to admit you came from there.
4. If you could be fluent in any language, what would it be? Mandarin, then I could watch Kung Fu movies without subtitles.
5. What’s your favorite meal to cook? Lasagne. I love the béchamel sauce and if I’m making it I get to lick the spoon.
6. What was your high school mascot? Australian schools are just not into that stuff :)
7. Are you a night owl or a morning person? Morning – and I have converted hubby into a morning person too!
8. The first time you took a plane trip, where did you go? New Zealand, I think. I was only about 4. I can’t remember the flight but I do remember pieces of the trip, I caught a rainbow trout.
9. What is the most valuable thing you own? Hubby’s heart – you should see the way he looks at me :)
10. What is your favorite piece of clothing? Long flowy dress. Comfortable, pretty and hides a multitude of sins.
11. If you could take a vacation anywhere, where would you go? The world! Though if I had to narrow it down today I would say to the orangutang orphanage in Borneo to volunteer for a month.

Here are my questions for my nominees:

1. What is your first happy memory?

2. Who has been the most inspiring person in your life? and tell me a little about why?

3. List 3 things you have done in your life that have made you proud of yourself.

4. What is your favourite colour and why?

5. What is it you are grateful for in your life right now?

6. Which famous person would you love to have a conversation with? and why?

7. Do you like your name?

8. What is your favourite season and why?

9. Describe your most cherished memory.

10. If you had to evacuate your house, what one item would you grab on the way out?

11. When you need to be alone with your thoughts, where do you go?

And my nominees

Little Chicken Nuggets – one brave and funny woman

Our Sunshine Angel – recently ‘found’ this gem, a rainbow Mummy

Elated Exhaustion – I wish I could write as beautifully as this Mumma

The Stork Diaries – a completely honest look at infertility and funny as!

Lovely Transitions – a soon to be Mumma

Finding Support as a Bereaved Parent – although quiet of late (taking care of bub) I hope she returns soon :)

Too Beautiful for Earth – Soon to be rainbow Mumma and a truly beautiful spirit

Missing My Angels – an incredibly strong woman who has lost 2 babies

Rainbows After a Storm – a fellow rainbow Mummy

Life After Infertility – another Aussie!

20 Going on 40 – fellow baby loss Mumma

but really I could put my whole blog list here!

More sleep please

Well my dad is fine now, not 100% but he is back to his normal self and I don’t have to be there all the time. I’m exhausted, R’s exhausted. I don’t think anyone realises the impact it had on me.

I have been driving back and forth – home, hospital, shops, Dr’s, appointments – I have been staying at people’s places, dragging poor R around, in and out of the car, routine out the window, and on over drive thinking about everything to do with taking care of Dad. I have also had to deal with him being cranky old man. Losing your independence and control over your own life when you are an adult and have done it for years must be frustrating, I know.

It has really made me think though. My Dad recently wanted me to become his power of attorney, health care directive and all that if something should happen and I was all ready just to sign away when this happened. Now I’m looking at the questions much closer. It is one thing to say ‘I don’t want to be a burden on my children and I don’t want to be kept alive if I’m in a coma/serious health issue’ but it is quite another for the person nominated to deal with this emotionally. There are so many different scenarios to consider – and in the end I will be making the decision. It is harder still when the person doesn’t know they are being a burden and is pleading for something different to what it is in their health directive. It has been quite emotionally confronting this week.

Then add that everyone gets down time and a full nights sleep besides me. I have Rosie who rightly wants my attention too, and totally depends on me – to the point I have not had more than 4 hours continuos sleep since she was born. To use some Aussie slang – I’m knackered!

Thankfully all is well though, Dad will be back in control of his life and with some catch up sleep ( don’t ask me how this will happen) I will back on track too.

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Time for a Move

A new year.

I always loved the new year, starting school with new books, new pens and pencils, a new bag. Making promises to do everything I should this time. It is all very exciting.

So I have decided I’m moving on. I have been struggling with this blog for awhile now. I have been holding back in my posts, refraining from writing what I want and feeling resentful about it all.

Finding support during a subsequent pregnancy was tough. I was not quite on the same path as other pregnant women but then again I was too confronting in my pregnancy for my new friends. I could not openly talk to either side. I had fears that I didn’t want to put on women who just simply don’t understand and I didn’t want to give them my fears either. Then again I didn’t want to cause my new friends hurt by flaunting something in their face they don’t have.

I actually felt quite alone and if I’m honest, I don’t think that was very fair. It did dampen my happiness. It did take the healing out of writing this blog. I did try to persist, but when I wrote about my pregnancy or write about R now I feel a little guilty. I can’t help but talk R, R, R. She is my world now. I don’t want to think – will writing about this upset someone? will this picture be hurtful for others to see? can I complain about those little things of motherhood when others would love to just experience that?

I do understand why others don’t want to be confronted with what they don’t have and what they didn’t get to experience. I get it. I do. I look at my friends who are about to have their second child and think how unfair it is my first child isn’t turning two this year.

It is not just this though. When I read my first posts, in those first months after C’s death, there is a lot of pain and raw emotion. Things I have not shared with the actual people in my life. How would they feel about me writing about them? Would I feel comfortable with them reading my blog? It is a possibility as I let my anonymity slip.

So as many have done before I am leaving this space for C. Where I know I can always talk about her openly and honestly and be understood. The rest will be on my craft blog that obviously will become one of those dime a dozen stay-at-home-mum-craft-business blogs :)

So if you would like to keep following R and I, you can catch me there. My journey with C will still be here.

changed

Stories from another side:

The Stork Diaries – Baby bumps, sonograms and pee sticks – Oh My!

Yet Another Bitter Infertile – Evil Thoughts

IVF Male – Hiding in Plain Site

Pregnancy After Loss, when fear overwhelms the joy

Our Sunshine Angel – The Christmas Corner: A story that melted my grinchy heart

and it’s over

Wow I’m glad that is over! There is always such a build up to Christmas and then you blink and it is over with for another year.

We went away for a few days to see the hubby’s family and did a 4 venue whorl wind tour on Christmas day to get all our families in. What did I learn? R is a sensitive little soul and it was too much for her. I spent a greater part of the Christmas week taking her to a quiet room, for a walk or saving her from someone who was going overboard with the goo goo ga ga’s and just scaring the crap out of her. R threw a few good crying sessions out and now I think people finally realise I am dealing with a colicky baby who I have learnt how to manage and their ‘special’ technique wont work with her, just like I said it wouldn’t. Interesting how people wouldn’t listen to me about my own child and insisted on doing something to her that was ‘sure to work’, then R would completely lose it and I would spend the next hour trying to calm her down. So my Christmas was about unfinished conversations and half eaten meals.

But secretly – I love the fact R is a real Mummy’s girl at the moment. When I would take her to a quiet room, she would look at me and smile, like she was saying ‘finally! it is just us again’.

C’s 2nd Christmas

Last year as I experienced all those first that C missed out on – Christmas, Easter, Birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day – it hurt. For each of those days I had to put on a brave face but admittedly spent some of the day having a good old cry. For each of those days I also made sure we did something. I didn’t want to fall into the trap of nothing happening and then being upset because she was forgotten. I planned and told hubby what was happening. That first year we began our little rituals.

Mother’s Day I got my rose bush, Father’s Day hubby received his. we always get so excited when they flower.  C’s birthday we went away to spend time as a family and remember her. Christmas last I made a decoration for the tree for Charlotte and this year I made her another.

Cangel

Once I had finished hubby asked if I was going to make one for R. It felt a bit strange at first to make her an angel but now they are both on there it looks right. Hopefully next year Rosie can join in and help make her big sister a Christmas ornament too. It is one way we keep her memory with us, and continue to make her part of our lives.

I miss her so much.

Merry Christmas all! May all our little ones be with us in spirit and heart xox

Tuesday Trips

Charlottestack

Last year we went to New Zealand as a little escape at the time that would have been C’s due date. The shores everywhere are covered in these lovely flat stones. All over NZ you will find stone cairns built from them. My husband said that if you build one they will protect against trolls as you travel over a mountain. I think in NZ they have taken on another meaning. Many have messages to loved ones on them.

I built this one for C in a little cove on the shore of a lake. It was so pretty there and the view was spectacular A perfect place to sit on a rock, feel the warmth of the sun, a cool breeze and enjoy the view.

3 months already

R has turned 3 months – that went way too quick!

Everyday she comes up with something new. Some new sign of her development. I love watching as her awareness of the world around her grows. It is funny watching as she becomes more aware of her body and what it can do.

I’ve also realised something else. Next time, when baby is under 3 months I’m going to tell everyone to bugger off! No you can’t visit in the afternoon/night when I’m trying to settle her down, no I wont force her to be held by strangers, yes you will give her back – she is my baby, I know how to cam her down, no I am not spoiling her because I pick her up when she cries, no she is not ‘manipulating’ me, no I will not feel guilty because I wont drag her around to social events and no I am not going to feel guilty because you haven’t seen her yet – bugger off!

I see now that poor little R was getting use to the outside world. Learning who Mum and Dad are, where she feels safe, what makes her feel good. I am also learning, not just what to so with a crying baby, but what to do with MY crying R. I pushed myself, I pushed R and I got the mother guilt trip from others about what I should do/should not do/must do because it worked for my child.

In that first few months, it is such a steep learning curve for Mum and baby. My advice – go easy on yourself and bub. Enjoy it. Be selfish and keep that new bundle of joy all to your little family. Watch and learn what your baby is telling you. Teach your baby about love, security and who she can depend on.

Sure – ask advice and seek help when needed. Make sure you dictate the when and how. When your ready, when baby is ready.

For me, R is extra special. I needed the time to soak up everything. Often I think, this is what I missed with C. I also got to know R. Now at 3 months we are more comfortable with each other. I’m more at ease with sharing her. She is more at ease knowing I’m there for her. We are both much happier venturing out in the world now – together.

I am also not her whole world anymore. She is sitting up and looking out. It is scary how quick it all goes :)

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